Living with Regrets (No Regrets book 2) Read online

  “Okay. Um…” I watched him think. He looked up at the ceiling as if the answer was just sitting there waiting to appear. It was pretty funny. “I’m thankful for… Abby. She gave me this video game; it’s so cool. Plus she’s really pretty.”

  “Shawn, dude, you just totally busted my line.” I reached out and high-fived him over the table. “Do you think I can still use it? ’Cause I’ve got nothing now.”

  “I guess so.”

  Abby’s brows furrowed together, and she started tossing the vegetables on her plate from one side to another with her fork. After a moment of silence her piercing deep blue eyes met mine. “Why?”

  I frowned. “Why what?”

  “Why are you thankful for me?”

  “I don’t need a reason, Abs, I just am.”

  “Yeah,” Shawn added. “If you’re going to steal my idea, I want to know too. Why are you thankful for Abby?”

  Abbygail lifted her brow, and waited. I grinned. She was definitely not going to like my answer.

  “Because in addition to working on her beauty sleep for the past six years, she managed to spare some time for her bad temper.”

  Her kick took me by surprise and made the table jump. I just cocked an eyebrow at her, and she stuck out her tongue.

  “Abby,” her mother disciplined.

  “Yes?” Her reply feigned innocence.

  “Behave, please.”

  “But, I didn’t do anything.”

  “Uh huh. I saw you,” Shawn accused. “You kicked Oliver. It’s not nice to lie, Abbygail. My mommy said so yesterday.”

  The whole table chuckled, and I bumped his fist. I really liked my new buddy.

  “Okay Abby, your turn. What are you thankful for?” Chase asked her curiously. There seemed to be an edge in his tone, and that alone made me grin.

  “I don’t know… so much, I guess.”

  “Well, you have to say something,” Shawn complained. “Because you’re the only one who didn’t answer, and I’m hungry.”

  “Yeah, yeah, okay. Let me think,” she teased. “I am thankful for…” She looked out the window. It was a nice evening outside, and from where we sat we could see the clear sky and its many stars. The moon was low and the tree branches barely rustled. I followed her gaze, and knew what she was thinking before she mentioned anything.

  “Abby?” Chase interrupted.

  She blinked twice and her eyes shifted to me.

  “I’m thankful for that willow tree.”

  “You’re thankful for willow trees? That makes no sense.” Shawn retorted.

  “Not all willow trees, Shawn, just that one outside the window.”

  “Why?” I asked, repeating the line she had just used on me.

  She pursed her lips. “Because, Oliver, when I was young I used to spend hours there with a guy I knew, talking and drinking root beer slushies.”

  A guy you knew? How does sixteen years of friendship turn into a guy I knew? Way to rub salt on an open wound, Abbygail.

  “I still don’t understand why you would like a tree so much that you would be thankful for it.” I replied.

  “Because I believe that guy’s dad left me a part of his soul in that tree when he died. He knew how much I liked the tree. He knew how much I loved him––I always confided in him––but most of all he knew how much I loved his son.”

  I winced.

  “So now,” she subsided. “Whenever I’m really sad, I go sit under it, and somehow the whispering of the leaves makes me feel better. It’s the only thing I have left from my past that I cherish.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  “So, it’s like a magic tree.” Shawn interrupted, completely fascinated by Abby’s story. It was a good thing the kid was there to remind us that other people surrounded us, otherwise our conversation would have probably taken a resentful turn.

  “I guess it is,” she smiled at him.

  “What else does it do?” he asked, completely engrossed in her world of hidden meaning.

  “Well, sometimes, when I’m hurting too much and feel completely lost, I sit under it. I talk to the tree as if I’m talking to the guy’s dad, and I ask him to help bring his son back to me.”

  Please look at me.

  “Why do you want him back? Wait no. Where did he go?” Shawn asked.

  I noticed how she was chewing the inside of her cheek just as she did in the past when she refused to cry in front of other people. She was avoiding my gaze, but I could clearly see the color of her eyes shift to crystal clear.

  “Because I lost my best friend when his father died.” She tore her clear blue eyes away from Shawn and finally looked at me. “He left as if I meant nothing to him.”

  That’s not what it was…

  “How come?”

  I had to hand it to the kid, he was proactive for a six year old.

  “I don’t know Shawn.” She wiped the tear rolling down her cheek. “But if I ever find out, I promise I’ll tell you, okay?”

  “Yup, can we eat now?”

  “Yes, Shawn,” Jenna answered with a tight smile. “I think that’s a good idea.”

  Kryptonite

  Oliver

  My altercation with Abby lost its magnitude after we started to eat our main course and as I listened to Chase, Abbygail, and her mother talking animatedly about Chase’s trip to Puerto-Rico, I couldn’t help wondering how different our lives would have been if I hadn’t run away. With so many years in hiding, I had never realized how much I missed it. I missed my family.

  “So, Abbygail” Jacob demanded. “Apparently you’re keeping yourself on a pretty busy schedule. I’ve heard that you have a full time job and studying psychology?”

  Wow, that’s fucking amazing…

  She raised her eyebrow at her mother and then nodded with a shy smile. “I’m working towards getting my Ph.D. in child psychology, actually. Honestly, though, I’m not sure about wanting to pursue my degree anymore.”

  “So you haven’t made your decision yet?” her mother questioned.

  “No,” Abby replied, shaking her head. “I’m still on the fence about it.”

  “A child psychologist. That’s pretty impressive, Abbygail. Why would you want to quit?”

  “I guess I’m not sure it’s what I want to do anymore. I really like being with teens and engaging in different activities with them at the rec center.”

  “That’s where you’re currently working right?”

  “Yep. I spend part of my time working at Carrington High as a social worker, and the rest of my time is spent with the kids at the rec center. I either organize activities and plan events with them, or listen and help them when they need to talk. I feel like my time and energy are more appreciated outside in our community. I enjoy the aspect of being one-on-one, but I’m not sure I want to work inside four walls all the time. What I prefer is to be out there, doing stuff with them, and making them feel like they are a part of something. You know?”

  “That’s very honorable, just not as profitable.”

  “I don’t do it for the money, Jacob. I do it because this is something I need to do.” She directed her eyes to mine. Her glower felt like she was drilling a hole through my skull. Again. “I do it because no one deserves to be abandoned by the ones that are supposed to love and support them.”

  Never shying away from my gaze she picked up her fork, and smugly took a bite off her plate. I wondered if it was her way of telling Jacob that she wasn’t going to add more in order to defend her career choice, or her way of making me uncomfortable with her accusations. Either way: it worked.

  “How about you, Chase,” Jacob asked with a light cough. “What is it that you do?”

  “I’m a math teacher. I work with Abby at Carrington High.”

  “Really? That’s impressive. A nice couple that loves children.”

  Abby choked on her mouthful.

  “Oh honey,” Jenna chortled. “No, remember I told you about Chase? He and Abby ar
en’t a couple. They’re just very good friends.”

  “Oh dear, I am so sorry. I guess I got confused.”

  Chase threw me a proud look that seemed like a ‘I’m-way-better-than-you-are’ look, so I did what I do best: I smirked. Abby, on the other hand, let out a low groan. It seemed she didn’t appreciate the attention, but then again, she’d always hated it when people put her on the spot.

  “What?” her mother doubted. “He isn’t your boyfriend, is he? Did things change again? You know your relationships are complicated, Abby. I just can’t seem to get a grip on your whole dating situation.”

  “OMG, Mom… really?” She hid behind her napkin. “This cannot be happening,” I heard her mumble. “No, Mom, Chase isn’t my boyfriend. There are like eight other people around this table right now. Can we please not talk about my relationship status in front of them? Just, please change the subject.”

  “I totally agree,” Chase replied. “So, Oliver, how long will you be in town for?”

  One millisecond was all it took for me to understand what he was trying to do. My Aunt Jenna might have thought that her daughter’s relationship statuses were complicated, but Chase was an open book. He wanted her back. Unfortunately for me, there was no way around the question. I had no other choice but to be truthful. “I’m actually going back home Sunday morning.”

  Abby studied me and let out a sarcastic snicker.

  “So soon? But you just got back,” he refuted proudly. He seemed so pleased with himself. It was as if he truly believed that he was protecting and sticking up for the girl sitting beside him.

  “Yes, well, I wouldn’t want to over stay my welcome. Besides I have to get back to my kids.”

  The sound of Abby choking on her mouthful of cake made me chuckle. She looked mortified. “You have kids?”

  It was cute to see her freak out.

  “Well, they’re not mine, per se… I’m a social worker, kind of like you. We just work different departments. I work for Vancouver’s Child Protection Services. I have my own cases to take care of, so I can’t be gone for too long.”

  I noticed anger flashing through Chase’s eyes. It seemed his quest for revenge or whatever, backfired on him.

  “So you came back to––”

  “I came back because I had an invitation, Chase. No ulterior motives.”

  This guy is really full of crap. How can she even be friends with him? Better yet, how could she have assumed that I even would have liked the guy?

  “So you are not here to win Abby back?”

  “OH-MY-GOD, Chase,” she yelled. “What the Fu––”

  She stopped mid-sentence, noticing she was under the scrutiny of her mother and her guests.

  “Seriously?”

  The good thing was that dinner was almost over. The bad thing was that by the look on Jenna’s face, our conversation hadn’t taken the expected turn.

  She was fuming.

  She stood and gave her daughter a warning glare. “Abbygail, watch your tongue. The both of you need to have this conversation outside.”

  Abby shot her friend a mean glare and the both of them stood in silence and walked out the front door.

  Nearly seconds after I stood to clear the table, Jenna joined me in the kitchen. She seemed distraught.

  “I’m sorry, Jenna.”

  “It’s fine, Oliver. She showed more of herself tonight then she has in six years.”

  “Maybe,” I refuted. “But the whole thing with Chase––”

  “Isn’t your fault, trust me, Oliver. This has been going on for years now… I should have thought about it twice before I decided to put you and Chase in the same room.”

  I gave her a tight smile and walked off to the dayroom. I’m not sure if it was jealousy or curiosity that led me there, but after loading up the dishwasher I needed to see what was going on between Chase and Abby.

  “Oliver?” Jenna called pulling my attention from the window.

  I turned to see her worried expression. “I don’t know if any part of what Chase suspects is true, but about what I said earlier––” She stopped and pleaded me with her eyes. “Just... please don’t hurt her.”

  Abbygail

  “What the hell is the matter with you?” I yelled as we both got kicked out of my mother’s house. I should have known things would have ended up the way they did.

  The temperature had dropped since we’d walked in earlier that evening, and I hadn’t thought about picking up my shawl before stepping out the front door. I felt the chills running down my spine, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I was cold.

  “I’m sorry.” I could see he wasn’t, though. Not sincerely, anyway.

  “You’re sorry? Never mind the six-year-old kid that was also sitting at the same table, you humiliated me in front of my mother and her friends.”

  “It’s just... he’s going to hurt you again, Abby. I can’t pick up the pieces again.”

  “Chase, you aren’t the one who picked up the pieces in the first place. You stuck around because you wanted something out of me even though I told you I couldn’t give it to you.” I scowled. “I grew up, Chase. I’m not the little girl I was before. I think I have enough life experience to know what I’m doing.”

  “You don’t.”

  “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

  “Abby, Oliver is… he’s––” He let out a loud growl. “The guy’s like your kryptonite. I’ve watched you look at him all night. It’s like you refuse to shake him off.”

  “Maybe it’s because I can’t,” I yelled, grabbing my hair by both hands. I was mad at him, but very much at myself too. I knew he was right. “You’re always doing this, Chase. You’re always pushing me. You always want more than I can offer. I can’t give you more. Don’t you get it? We’ve been through this already.”

  “You can’t possibly still be in love with this guy?”

  I didn’t answer.

  He watched me with wary eyes. “Abby, this doesn’t make any sense. You can’t love a guy you haven’t seen in over six years. He’s changed. You’ve changed.”

  “I didn’t even give you an answer,” I argued blandly.

  “Well, your silence spoke for itself.”

  “So?” I shrugged. I was so annoyed: as if I needed to justify myself to him.

  “So? If you think you’re still in love with this guy, let me explain something to you. He’s not the same person anymore. You’re in love with the old Oliver: the one you spent all your time with, the one you shared everything with, the one that took care of you and defended you, the guy you laughed with and talked to for hours at a time, the one who played football and skateboarded while you admired him on the sidelines…”

  “I don’t see your point.”

  “The point is, it’s the past, Abbygail. The guy that’s inside your mother’s house right now isn’t him. That guy you were in love with left you.” He stopped talking to let everything sink in. I thought he was done, but realized he was nowhere near finished.

  “Abby, I didn’t know you a lot then, but from what I saw and what I’ve heard, you let Oliver leave with your heart and you never found the desire to get it back. He doesn’t deserve you. He never wrote back, he never called. He threw you away like a piece of trash.”

  Chase had no idea how much pain he was inflicting right then. I hated him. I hated him for bringing up my memories of Oliver, and trying to tarnish them. He hadn’t been there. He based his knowledge on what he heard from other people, not what he knew or saw. I never spoke to Chase about my relationship with Oliver, and even if everything he said was true, it didn’t matter. He had no right to have an opinion about my past. Those memories were mine. I needed them like I needed to see my willow tree’s leaves bloom every spring. It was all I had left of him, of us.

  “He’s gone, Abbygail. Whether you like it or not and whether you are willing to admit it to yourself or not, when he left, he never looked back. The feelings you have for him are no
t love. They’re, I don’t know… hope? Longing? Desire maybe? Who the fuck knows? But the point is, there is one thing about him that hasn’t changed, and it’s the fact that he is still leaving. He has no intention of sticking around. He said it himself, he’s leaving in less than three days.” Chase paused. “What then, Abby, huh? Your wounds are already reopened. What happens when he steps on that plane and leaves you behind again? Are you going to go back to giving your body to any guy that’s willing to pretend he loves you? ”

  “Go fuck yourself, Chase,” I scolded. “You have no right—”

  “I’m just trying to save you some pain,” he said regretfully.

  “I don’t need you to.”

  “Abby, I can’t do this anymore,” he replied softly, and took a step forward. “I love you. I love you so much. I have loved you since the moment you stepped inside that house over there and took care of my baby sister.”

  I hadn’t expected the kiss, or maybe I had. Who knows? But he put everything he had into it. Force, tenderness, passion… and I pushed him away.

  “Chase, I can’t.” I felt so sorry for him, but he was asking for something I refused to give. “I wish I could, but I can’t. I care for your friendship, nothing more.” I sat on my mother’s front step feeling defeated. “I don’t love you. I will never love you.”

  “So you’re just going to sacrifice your chance at happiness because of him? I can give you so much. Why won’t you let me love you, Abby?”

  “We have been over this Chase, and what I feel for you hasn’t changed. You deserve much more than I am willing to give you. I will never be in love with you. It won’t change… ever,” I whispered.

  He backed away.

  I’m not sure if it was Oliver’s presence that made him understand, but I knew he understood right then, that we would never be. I could see his pain—trying to hold back another heartbreak I was making him suffer through—but he knew.

  We’d talked about it, and I had made myself very clear.

  He’d gotten attached, even though I told him not to, just like he had years ago.